Sometimes I cannot believe I am sitting here writing about my beautiful daughter Amanda. I have trouble breathing when I tell stories about her, like she is no longer here. Then it hits me! I realize she is no longer here, and that is why writing about her is difficult.

I was planning on writing about summer and how much fun it was, when I was ambushed. It’s not easy to write about fun summer activities when all I’m thinking about is my beautiful daughter who is no longer here. Amanda made our family’s life fun and exciting, and I miss her so much.

Lots of times I try to act like I’m beyond pain, and have all of my emotions together. I don’t. I miss her all of the time. She was fun, smart, feisty, pretty, kind, and I miss her. My life has never been the same since February 5, 2009, and never will be again. It’s like she was the glue that held our family together.

I remember a couple we were friends with in the Philippines who had lost a baby. We acted like we really cared, listening to them with kind comments, but I couldn’t understand why they were not getting on with life. They had three daughters, two older, and one younger… come on now !!! About a year ago we heard they had divorced—after twenty some years. Ugh. Glue.

I guess I have learned that no matter what time of year it is, one that is supposed to be fun or one dedicated to work, life can be shaken when a child dies. I have learned that when confronted by a grieving family, I am to forget about any preconceived ideas and just love and care for them. I know that the glue holding them together may be coming loose, and I am there to listen and care. I know I have no magic words to fix anything, but I can listen. Just listen, and relate.

Summer was fun, life was fun, but today life is a little more tenuous and tedious than before. Please remember I get it, even if sometimes I act like I’m alright—I’m not.

Mary